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April 2008

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Apr. 5th, 2008

so much to say.

FINALLY so much to say. but im not going to do it right now..i just wanted to check in and say a few basic things because i can't believe i haven't said anything yet here.
formal was excellent.
i won a $500 gift card to amazon for taking some jewish survey.
i hung out with the girls last night, forced myself to actually..and i did. and i had a good time.
im going to london with my boyfriend in two weeks on a whim. we saw cheap tickets, debated, and bought.
i have like 6 weeks left to my undergraduate long overdue graduation.
im thinking about teaching fellows for next year.
im feeling a bit better .

Mar. 28th, 2008

In the Eye of the Hurricane

i am nowhere.

Mar. 26th, 2008

what has become of me.

so, my usual routine and ritual of reading old entries from the day or around the day of present..except a year, two years, 3 years or more back...i realize i'm still the same person because i understand what has been written, but i don't write like that anymore. what does that mean? i feel so shallow, hollow maybe is a better word...or maybe both?
i don't have every little moment to write about, not even when i sleep for 20 hours, which i don't do anymore even though i desperately want to sometimes. i don't flirt with anybody anymore. i don't do crazy amounts of illegal substances anymore, party excessively, hurt myself, demean myself. only in the presence of myself now do i do that.
i feel so empty and so full emotionally at the same time. is that really possible?
i feel like i can't write my feelings down the way i used to because i can't even speak my feelings the way that i used to.
it's like there's this block in my head and i can think and think and think but i just can't express outwardly.
i feel comatose on the outside.
i feel buried alive.

Mar. 5th, 2008

(no subject)

i haven't had a break like this in years.
ouch.

Feb. 11th, 2008

i can't even title this entry.

sometimes i feel like i can do it.


and then sometimes i can't.

the feeling of accomplishment and success within reach becomes out of reach so quickly i can't even begin to comprehend why i even feel some things possible in the first place. it stays only for a moment and then vanishes. and that moment of feeling like i could do something, vanishes with it.

some people could do a lot of things, but not well..maybe even horribly. but they do them, right?

why can't i stand up and just do something horribly then, just to say i did it?

hmmm...

because i'd rather do one thing to top anything and anyone who's ever done it instead of doing stupid little things and not doing anything but making a fool out of myself?

but will i ever find that one thing i can do better than anyone else?
IS there that one thing...?

Feb. 2nd, 2008

i know what it is.

im having a major quarterlife crisis.
..or almost-quarterlife crisis.


i feel like i have something to do tomorrow..
schoolwork?

adfadsfdsagh.

Dec. 8th, 2007

void.

i know she was virtually a stranger because we didn't know anything about each others' personal lives much, but our work lives and stories and company and friendship were more than enough for me to know and love Kati Moran. When we had that meeting after work ended today, I had no idea what was coming. The feeling of being told that "Kati died last night" hit me like ..well, i don't really know how to describe the pain that shot through my body and the disbelief like i wanted to be like "what the fuck are you talking about, god you're horrible, come on!" ..shout out something that was angry.
I saw two men cry and two women cry and then there was myself. I was sobbing. It really is like a family in there. And she was the head of the house. She was so funny and the first thing that ran through my mind was "I'm never going to hear her deep hearty laugh and her Finnish accent that I could do such a perfect impression of always. Her "hooh hooh hoooh's" and her love for everything in the shop.
I have been crying because I'm going to miss her so much, her spirit was absolutely incredible. It was full of pure positivity and laughter and jolliness. Five hours later, I am still mourning the loss of Kati to us and her familly, and I want to say goodbye. I want to see her again. And I want to laugh with her again.

Nov. 6th, 2007

the best present a girl could ever ask for.

me: you know we're six months this month, right?
cj: of course, im not stupid
me: you better not be
cj: what does that supposed to mean?
me: you know what you have to do
cj: ah yes, jump off the roof..
me: *gasp*
cj: and land so that my blood spurts out "i love elena"
me: hehehe, that's awesome.

Nov. 5th, 2007

waiting for air.

its like i have to wait for a sudden wave that wont leave me back on the shore where i need to get away from. it needs to sweep me out to the new day and the new time. but it only comes once every few weeks..and then who knows how long it will last.
i feel nothing.
i feel something.
today i felt nothing. i felt tears. i felt panic and doubts and dry hair.
i felt itchy.
i feel like im underwater.
when am i goign to come back up?
and when ai do...when am i going to drown again?

Nov. 4th, 2007

so, it's been a while.

ive never been comfortable with my name.
if someone doesn't have a name, does that mean that they don't really exist?...in the linguistic sense, anyway.
like you can't describe someone without a name. every description really leads to a name. a label.

is it competition-esque, where my hatred stems from? do i desire to compete? not really. maybe because I can't-i'm jealous?
or if i was able to, would i even have a reason to, then?
it wouldn't matter.
i dont know.

i wouldn't be happy then, anyway..now i am.

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