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April 2008

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what has become of me.

so, my usual routine and ritual of reading old entries from the day or around the day of present..except a year, two years, 3 years or more back...i realize i'm still the same person because i understand what has been written, but i don't write like that anymore. what does that mean? i feel so shallow, hollow maybe is a better word...or maybe both?
i don't have every little moment to write about, not even when i sleep for 20 hours, which i don't do anymore even though i desperately want to sometimes. i don't flirt with anybody anymore. i don't do crazy amounts of illegal substances anymore, party excessively, hurt myself, demean myself. only in the presence of myself now do i do that.
i feel so empty and so full emotionally at the same time. is that really possible?
i feel like i can't write my feelings down the way i used to because i can't even speak my feelings the way that i used to.
it's like there's this block in my head and i can think and think and think but i just can't express outwardly.
i feel comatose on the outside.
i feel buried alive.


I'm not sure if I have a total understanding of your entry but I'll give it a stab.

I think you may be able to understand what you had written 1-3 years ago because YOU wrote them and YOU felt the emotions behind the entries. That's the point of journals, correct? To have a way to jot down whatever you want and to look back on it after some time and perhaps reflect on what was written?

Maybe you're not writing down every little moment anymore because they aren't as fleeting and/or infrequent.

Based on what you said in this entry, it sounds like you grew a lot as a person over the last few years. Your perception on matters probably changed as well. If so, it would be foolish to compare the present sense you have of yourself to the standards you held in years past....Am I making sense?