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April 2008



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Aug. 6th, 2007

the end of an era...

its official. after almost 5 years my beloved toe ring has broken in half. like my heart ... </3

Jul. 16th, 2007


so yesterday elena came to the rescue. why is it that this always happens to me? saving animals and all...
not that im complaining because yesterday was definitely a mitzvah that made me feel amazing.
so i drove c.j. to work and im driving back and i pass a doggie park (that i think me and jose brought sammy to once before, last summer) and all of a sudden i see this beautiful shiny black and white boston terrier sprinting across the street a few feet in front of my car and the couple of cars in front of me. i know this is not what is supposed to be happening by the way this dog is running---like a wild animal. he obviously got loose from his owner. i made a split decision as i was already passing the corner and i made a sharp left turn and pulled up next to a pump on the corner and watched for a second to see where the dog went, i was about to get out but then i saw this girl running after the dog and i yelled that it went down one of the driveways, but then i saw a few more people running and they went down the driveway and didnt come back with the dog. then i saw this motorcycle looking big guy with a long grey and white ponytail and ripped jeans and t-shirt running like a madman screaming what i think was "pookie!!!! pookie!!!!" with the panic of losing a child in his voice. i put my car in drive and drove along them and somehow, i don't really remember how because everything seriously happened in less than 20 or 30 seconds, the guy saw me riding next to them and he ran in the street and i think we must've exchanged a word or two and he realized i wanted to help and he ran to the passenger side and was like "let me in let me in!" and for a second i was like 'ohh noo..' but then i thought logically and realized this guy was panicking, *probably* not dangerous, and all he had on his mind was finding that dog. i told him to get in, he hopped in and the people were pointing down the block of a one way street to the right. he was screaming 'where did he go?!?!' and that's where they were pointing. i looked and went "ohh, um" and then went "oh whatever!" and turned into the one way street the wrong way, and we were driving slowly because the dog wasn't in sight anymore. the guy kept saying "oh my god. im going to have a heart attack! that dog is my life!" i kept saying "don't worry. we're going to find him. we are going to find him". and guess what?! we did!!!
i was like "you want to call him? call him." so he started yelling out the window and then he said "go go go!" and i sped up and just told him to stop me when he saw something". he must've heard the dog, panicked, maybe saw him, but he just wanted me to speed up all of a sudden, so i did. then he screamed "stop stop! lemme get out!" so i stopped real quick and he jumped out and was spinning around in circles like he was chasing his own tail, and then i said "there he is! there, there!" and he's like "where?!?" and im like "behind you, right behind you!!!" and he turned around and the dog jumped into his arms and this man was almost in tears, hugging this dog so tight and telling talking to it. he came and sat back in the car and i pet the dog and found out that they were in the dog park and he didnt know how he got away. i told him that people open and close (and sometimes dont close) those gates every minute) and he said they're never going there again and he was saying "dont you ever do that again, what were you thinking, ughhhh." stuff like that. i asked him if i could drive him back to the park and he said yes because he actually had another dog there. i said no problem and made a K turn. when i turned, a car pulled up next to us, it was another set of people with a poodle on their lap and they were like 'oh you found him, good!' and he's like 'yes, yes oh my god' and he's like 'youre an angel..thank you. thank you' and hugging his dog while saying this. it was awesome. THEN the younger girl who was also running after the dog made it to my car down the block and he's i asked her if she wanted a lift back to the park and hes like 'i dont know this young lady either but both of you thank you' and so she hopped in the back and we went around the block back to the park and there were people standing there and waving and clapping.
he was still in shock i think. thats the worst feeling, the panic when your animal bolts. god, i understand that panic. it's like your world is ending because youre thinking oh my god what if i dont catch up with them im never going to see them again oh my god. im so glad i was there.
im so glad i turned the corner.
and im so glad he got his dog back.

Jun. 18th, 2007

i am...

completely in fucking love with c.j. and im not scared at all anymore.
i have never felt this way about someone or been treated so great.
i feel beautiful.
i feel worthy.
i feel smart and i feel alive.

Jun. 3rd, 2007

what is wrong here.

i have a great boyfriend. finally..

and at 9:45pm the other one randomly calls me-as usual when there is something he needs-and why do i pick up the phone? something different, when i saw it was him, it did run through my mind to just let it ring, and i DIDN'T pick it up right away...but i still picked the call up. I assume that it means something is changing inside of me, or at least i hope?

i was not my jolly self, helping him with what he called me for. i said goodbye quickly, wasn't too attentive. i would hope that he picked up on something not being right. but also knowing him-he noticed absolutely nothing. and will call again when he needs something else.

but after 10 minutes of shaking and my heart racing a bit, i am coming down. and my head is slowing down, and im thinking logically.

which is funny, watching a romantic comedy right now thinking, "I know why she gives him everything he needs. He's using her because he has what he wants and proably doesn't even realize that she's hurting so much inside everytime he asks her for a favor...because he doesn't really care. Not because he's a bad person (not trying to give him any credit), but because, simply, he is just who he is-a selfish, narcissistic male being." And then I kept thinking about Joe. How everytime he does that to me, I react the same way as Iris (from the movie). He called her, at the point when she had just awoke from a peaceful slumber and got all hyped up to an awesome song, and then she picks up the phone and her heart drops to her stomach and her stomach jumps into her throat. And then, right after she woke up and was ready to face a fantastical new day, she reclosed the shades she had just opened, and went back to sleep for another 13 hours. That's what they do to us. And I was seriously thinking, that is me when Joe calls. And then, who calls? Joe. And how do I react? Consciously deciding not to be that way, I shun that behavior and let it pass through me like a wild river. Bumping off the rocks inside, but still flowing away. And now, it's almost gone. Until the next time....but that's what practice is for, right?

And until the day (which I feel is approaching) that I tell him what he's done to my soul, I will keep pushing it away, letting the current flow violently through me until it reaches the calm waters.

I don't need this right now. So I will not have it.

And that is the end of that. Because tomorrow's a new day. I start my first professional internship at 9am. I will speak to my new boyfriend in a little while again. And, alas, push Joe farther down that river. I will do it. Not only because it's the right thing to do, but because I need to do it. For me.
Hell, it's 10:15pm now. A good 30 minutes after he called. And you know what? I didn't call him back and say, 'we need to talk.' because it can wait. I've waited this long, I don't feel well, I have things to do...so it can wait. Because 10:16pm is a new minute and so is 10:16pm....and Monday, June 4th and Tuesday June 5th and so on and so forth. And this is the way it's going to be. And it's going to be okay. Eventually, everything is always....okay.

Apr. 24th, 2007


some things still make me so upset.
i guess they always will?

things have been weird lately.

i need a vacation.

Apr. 1st, 2007

its just so hard.

its just so hard for me to be happy with myself. happy for other people. happy for myself.
i dont know which is harder, being happy for good things that happen to me or good things that happen to other people?
i think it might be easier to be happier for bad things that happen to good people. that is horrible. am i horrible for that?
i dont know if that is necessarily true, but i have a jealousy issue. its a big problem. i get jealous of other peoples happiness. i get jealous of other peoples tragedies. i have enough tragedies of my own, but somehow everyone elses everything seems more appealing and important, more "cool", even their problems and their sadness.
but back to the happiness. other peoples happiness makes me sad. it makes me really happy but in a sullen way. is that normal, at all?
why wouldn't anyone do that for me? or have they and im just too busy being focused on what happens to others that whatever happens to me seems less meaningful, no matter if it is more or less than what has happened to others?
i dont even know what im trying to say here-but i do and thats the problem. because it's just hard for me to express myself, even though i thought that was one of the easiest things i had to ability to do..back in the day.
i just saw something and it hurt so bad that it was kind of like shock at first (and mind you it had nothing to do with me, essentially, and it wasn't anything bad..it was a good thing that happened to another friend of mine by someone who's not so much a friend to me as he should be, but that is both of our faults)..i just started to get clamy and it felt harder to breathe.. i started panicking. i haven't panicked full force in a very long time.
i just wish someone would do something like that for me.
its one of those scenarios that i dream about..all the time. romanticism. by a friend? a platonic friend? i didnt know that this was possible. but it is possible with my friend, because this is what she is good at. i wish i was good at that. i wish i was like her. but i am..ive always been very jealous of this friend, because shes so amazing. thats not a bad thing to be amazing. why am i then having a negative reaction to it? together we are brilliant, but when it is just her and good things happen, it hurts me so much because i want them to be possible for me. but are they?
my good friend said to me earlier when i could not stop crying, that if someone is being ripped apart on the inside but shows a smile and a happy personality on the outside, its not good. i feel like i disagree and she says that is the problem. I am so intense and it's not as easy for people to do meaningless, pointless, stupid fun activities with me because with me everything means something. I hate this. I used to love it because I loved meaning. But at this point, maybe I just want to be meaningless and pointless again? But then she reminded me of that numbness that I felt last year and how awful and void it was..how it scared me because I was not feeling anything. Nothing at all...not even the fear, even, from not feeling anything, i just knew somehow that it was not good and that it was there under my skin.
Maybe I am also too scared of things meaning something? and i pull back, i pull away. then it just means the same thing. sadness and disappointment. am i scared of feeling something new and positive?
i feel new and positive things all the time...don't i?
but do i feel them and then resort back to the negative and familiar acceptance?
Maybe I have no idea, but I must have some idea because I know something is wrong. I could not stop crying for an hour. I held it in until I finally got to the bathrooom (I am at work, of all places)..and even when I knew it had to come out, it was like pushing out kidney stones. I had to make these horrible faces, almost like symbolizing my pain with readable expression, because the tears were just not going to be enough.
I am just too scared of being hurt..although if I'm hurt now and hurting already and being hurt still, then why am I so fucking scared? What am I scared of exactly?
Maybe I'm not actually scared of being hurt, I'm more scared of being happy? I'm scared of something good happening to me and then it being taken away.
I can't help myself from giving, it's what I do. It's what I'm good at. And it's what I love.
I don't expect anything in return......but I want it. I do want something in return and my good friend tells me this is not selfish to want this. Why do I feel like it is? That something good to happen to me is somehow wrong? But I know it's not. I just feel like I do not deserve it. But I know I do. Maybe knowing is just not enough. You have to feel it, too. But what if you feel it and don't know it, what does that mean then? Well, I guess I don't have to worry about that problem.
Why does everyone 'love me so much' but do nothing to show it? Or is what they do just what needs to be done and the people who do what this person did for my friend do it to make themselves feel good and not actually the other person-so in essence theyre selfless act is actually selfish? And how do they choose? Is it all by chance? Am I just not a chance that people see?
I know I'm certainly a convenience that people see when they want to see it for certain things. I'm a late night convenience and a daylight inconvenience.
Why is it never enough for me when it's too much for them?
What do I even want from this person?
Maybe that's what is the problem here.
I am not respected by him for who I am and what I have to offer, except my comfort when they need it? My comfort and my touch. My skin and my warmth. Reassurance that there is something better out there..just not me? But it is me.

Feb. 4th, 2007


i now hate my job.

Jan. 25th, 2007


what an amazing insane vacation i've had. school officially starts on monday, but i guess ive technically started already since ive been in rehearsals since friday, the morning after i got home. thursday was crazy, coming home from nashville, going straight to the city and partying it up with my NOLA crew, then coming home at 4am with...and then going to my production meeting. then work this weekend. then rehearsals monday-wednesday...today i skipped because i was hungover. got very drunk last night with shirah, sydney, and elina. except i was the most drunk.
London reunion tonight.
I am a bit anxious right now, however. And then work tomorrow. But I have to do what I have to do.
He drives me nuts. Even though last week he was amazing...that one night.
But I'm sure I'm only being myself and overanalyzing something that no one is even giving a second thought to. But whatever, I guess that's just how I do, correct? Correct. I just wish it was simple and alright. Easy. But what's the fun in that, right?
But then again, what's the fun in this, either?
Whatever, this is life.
And no matter what, it is enjoyable.

Dec. 11th, 2006

(no subject)

Haven't attended a cast party in over 4 years..since plattsburgh for christ sake. and last night. Cast Party. Me. 7oz.+ of vodka. Theatre people.

all equal

BEST NIGHT EVER!!!!!!!! =) =) =) =) =)

Nov. 17th, 2006

(no subject)

i hate the hold this kid has on me. its scary and animalistic. and its just not a good thing for my heart.

on a lighter note..ben folds will rock me silly tomorrow night, so it should be okay....it should aaaaaaallllll be okay.

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