i dont know which is harder, being happy for good things that happen to me or good things that happen to other people?
i think it might be easier to be happier for bad things that happen to good people. that is horrible. am i horrible for that?
i dont know if that is necessarily true, but i have a jealousy issue. its a big problem. i get jealous of other peoples happiness. i get jealous of other peoples tragedies. i have enough tragedies of my own, but somehow everyone elses everything seems more appealing and important, more "cool", even their problems and their sadness.
but back to the happiness. other peoples happiness makes me sad. it makes me really happy but in a sullen way. is that normal, at all?
why wouldn't anyone do that for me? or have they and im just too busy being focused on what happens to others that whatever happens to me seems less meaningful, no matter if it is more or less than what has happened to others?
i dont even know what im trying to say here-but i do and thats the problem. because it's just hard for me to express myself, even though i thought that was one of the easiest things i had to ability to do..back in the day.
i just saw something and it hurt so bad that it was kind of like shock at first (and mind you it had nothing to do with me, essentially, and it wasn't anything bad..it was a good thing that happened to another friend of mine by someone who's not so much a friend to me as he should be, but that is both of our faults)..i just started to get clamy and it felt harder to breathe.. i started panicking. i haven't panicked full force in a very long time.
i just wish someone would do something like that for me.
its one of those scenarios that i dream about..all the time. romanticism. by a friend? a platonic friend? i didnt know that this was possible. but it is possible with my friend, because this is what she is good at. i wish i was good at that. i wish i was like her. but i am..ive always been very jealous of this friend, because shes so amazing. thats not a bad thing to be amazing. why am i then having a negative reaction to it? together we are brilliant, but when it is just her and good things happen, it hurts me so much because i want them to be possible for me. but are they?
my good friend said to me earlier when i could not stop crying, that if someone is being ripped apart on the inside but shows a smile and a happy personality on the outside, its not good. i feel like i disagree and she says that is the problem. I am so intense and it's not as easy for people to do meaningless, pointless, stupid fun activities with me because with me everything means something. I hate this. I used to love it because I loved meaning. But at this point, maybe I just want to be meaningless and pointless again? But then she reminded me of that numbness that I felt last year and how awful and void it was..how it scared me because I was not feeling anything. Nothing at all...not even the fear, even, from not feeling anything, i just knew somehow that it was not good and that it was there under my skin.
Maybe I am also too scared of things meaning something? and i pull back, i pull away. then it just means the same thing. sadness and disappointment. am i scared of feeling something new and positive?
i feel new and positive things all the time...don't i?
but do i feel them and then resort back to the negative and familiar acceptance?
Maybe I have no idea, but I must have some idea because I know something is wrong. I could not stop crying for an hour. I held it in until I finally got to the bathrooom (I am at work, of all places)..and even when I knew it had to come out, it was like pushing out kidney stones. I had to make these horrible faces, almost like symbolizing my pain with readable expression, because the tears were just not going to be enough.
I am just too scared of being hurt..although if I'm hurt now and hurting already and being hurt still, then why am I so fucking scared? What am I scared of exactly?
Maybe I'm not actually scared of being hurt, I'm more scared of being happy? I'm scared of something good happening to me and then it being taken away.
I can't help myself from giving, it's what I do. It's what I'm good at. And it's what I love.
I don't expect anything in return......but I want it. I do want something in return and my good friend tells me this is not selfish to want this. Why do I feel like it is? That something good to happen to me is somehow wrong? But I know it's not. I just feel like I do not deserve it. But I know I do. Maybe knowing is just not enough. You have to feel it, too. But what if you feel it and don't know it, what does that mean then? Well, I guess I don't have to worry about that problem.
Why does everyone 'love me so much' but do nothing to show it? Or is what they do just what needs to be done and the people who do what this person did for my friend do it to make themselves feel good and not actually the other person-so in essence theyre selfless act is actually selfish? And how do they choose? Is it all by chance? Am I just not a chance that people see?
I know I'm certainly a convenience that people see when they want to see it for certain things. I'm a late night convenience and a daylight inconvenience.
Why is it never enough for me when it's too much for them?
What do I even want from this person?
Maybe that's what is the problem here.
I am not respected by him for who I am and what I have to offer, except my comfort when they need it? My comfort and my touch. My skin and my warmth. Reassurance that there is something better out there..just not me? But it is me.
its just so hard for me to be happy with myself. happy for other people. happy for myself.